Viewpoints

Tue
01
Apr

I'm not caught up in the madness

Experts say American employers lose an estimated $1.2 billion in worker productivity during the NCAA basketball tournament.

Mon
24
Mar

Remove pork from Congress' diet

Some of my challengers in the race for president say they're about to lead an attack on pork. There are two signs you shouldn't believe them: First, they're candidates for office, and their lips are moving.

Fri
29
Feb

Congress needs some work to do

You haven't heard much from my presidential campaign recently, and I hope you appreciate that. I trust you will support a candidate who doesn't interrupt your favorite television programs.

Tue
19
Feb

Nothing sweet about cookie cartel

You have to hand it to the sash-wearing masterminds inside the Girl Scout cookie cartel.

Their adorable faces and devious minds make an irresistible combination, not unlike the peanut butter and chocolate of a Tagalong.

Mon
04
Feb

Fighting the War on Sleep

Some Americans are concerned about the War on Terror and the War on Drugs, but I've got something else keeping me up at night: The War on Sleep.

Wed
09
Jan

Please don't take me seriously

Looks like I'm going to be out of a job soon. Haven't you heard? They're arresting people for making sarcastic and inappropriate comments in public forums.

Sat
22
Dec

No lie: Parents face a holiday dilemma

Don't get me wrong: I lie to my kids all the time.

Like when they ask whether they can have a pony someday, and I say, "We'll see."

Sun
09
Dec

Writing the book on boredom

It's going to be a long, lonely Saturday.

Tue
13
Nov

Airport code encounters turbulence

At last their neighbors have resigned themselves to a truth Minnesotans and Wisconsinites have long since known: Iowa SUX.

Wed
31
Oct

Lost teeth take a bite

Like embarrassing photos of Britney Spears, the warning signs of inflation are everywhere. They're in the headlines, atop the evening newscast and on our children's pillows.

Forget the Federal Reserve chairman - the new messenger of inflation is the Tooth Fairy.

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