Hold the cheese, please

Move over, Morgan Spurlock. Yesterday, I decided to go on the Subway diet.

Rather than gorging on McDonald's food for 30 days, as Spurlock did for his film "SuperSize Me," I thought I'd try to follow in the footsteps of Subway's oh-so-nerdy spokesperson Jared Fogle.

We all know Jared, the Indiana student who ate nothing but Subway sandwiches for a year and trimmed his 435-pound figure to a slim 190 pounds.

No one can deny that kind of achievement. However, when I did a little research on Jared, I discovered he'd been a bit lazy. While attending college, He ate Subway food because there was a Subway right next to his apartment building.

Good thing it wasn't a KFC.

So one day, Jared decided to try those sandwiches that had six grams of fat or less.

Every day, he ate a 6-inch turkey sandwich (no oil, mayo, condiments or cheese) for lunch and for dinner, he had a 12-inch veggie sandwich (no condiments or cheese, or anything else that might give it a semblance of flavor), a small bag of Baked Lays, and a diet soda.

According to my Subway napkin, there are 280 calories in the six-inch turkey sub and 460 in the foot-long veggie sandwich. The Baked! Lays Jared indulged in probably tacked on another 250 calories. With the calorie or two in the Diet Coke, we're looking at about 1,000 calories a day.

No, I didn't forget about breakfast. According to an article at Washingtonpost .com, Jared didn't need breakfast; he only drank coffee, because he didn't get his butt out of bed before 10 a.m.

So, he started eating 1,000 calories a day. According to cbsnews.com, before Jared starting hanging out at Subway, he used to consume 10,000 calories in a day!

OK, now I don't feel so bad about that little Kit Kat indiscretion I had last week.

I mean, 10,000 calories! He went from 10,000 calories to one thousand calories, of course he's going to lose weight! He could have eaten a thousand calories' worth of Snickers bars (what an intriguing idea) and still would have lost weight.

I should give Jared a little credit. He did, after all, lose 245 pounds. But the thing is, Jared is annoying. He was probably annoying when he was fat, unless the irritating personality developed during his monotonous diet.

Could I live on this monotonous diet for, say, 30 days? Following in the footsteps of Morgan Spurlock, I was going to try. I was on my way to Subway!

After my kids ordered sandwiches with extra cheese, I announced to the high school kids (i.e., the "sandwich artists") behind the counter that I was going to try the Jared diet.

They looked at me as if I was insane. Nevertheless, one of them cut open my loaf of bread and waited.

I listed off the allowed ingredients like I was issuing a death sentence:

Lettuce.

Spinach leaves.

Tomatoes.

Onions.

Peppers.

No mayo. No cheese.

"No cheese?" repeated the mortified sandwich artist.

"No cheese," I said determinedly. Then added, "Well, why don't you put it in there, on the side. Just in case I can't handle all this healthful goodness."

Once we were home again, and while the kids picked the cheese out of their sandwiches, leaving behind the bread, I tried to eat my vegetables. The veggies were good and fresh, and without the cheese or mayo to get in the way, I was aware of their individual tastes and textures.

A few bites into the sandwich, however, I discovered that without the cheese, I was eating salad squashed inside a hunk of bread.

Quicker than you can say "Jared Fogle is a goofball," I had quit the diet.

I ate six inches of my 12-inch sandwich, then began rummaging in my fridge for some other kind of sustenance.

During my quest for something non-vegetable, my husband came into the kitchen. He pointed to my abandoned sandwich and asked, "You gonna eat this?"

"Go ahead," I said. "Don't forget to add the cheese."

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